5 Tips To Turn Sibling Conflict Into Cooperation
Make It Stand Out.
1. PRIORITIZE "SPECIAL TIME" FOR EACH CHILD
It’s a simple tool, but your child will thrive and decrease in misbehavior if they have regular, scheduled, one on one time with you where they choose the activity, and you put your phone away and be present. You will be amazed at how sibling conflict and even behavior problems diminish when the child is getting their fill of your attention.
2. STOP COMPARING AND DROP THE LABELS
Adults often compare children in order to motivate them – ‘Look at Johnny, he’s sitting so quietly’, ‘why can’t you be more like your sister?’, ‘Look at how your little brother can do it’. Likewise, we often treat children according to the label that we have given them (even if it’s unspoken) – ‘you are always so messy’, ‘why can’t you just stop talking, you are doing my head in!’, ‘you always make us late’, 'she's the tidy one', 'he's the smart one'.
Unfortunately, these statements do the opposite of encouraging kids to want to do better – instead, these kinds of statements build resentment and discouragement, and create negative feelings towards the parent, self, and siblings - resulting in sibling rivalry and conflict.
A better way to handle misbehavior in one child is to focus on their individual need and situation, using encouraging statements and positive problem-solving approaches.
3. PUT THEM ON THE SAME TEAM
Another way parents foster sibling rivalry is by using competition as a method of motivation: ‘who can be the first to brush their teeth’, ‘who can be the first one to get ready’. The child who wins often feels superior, and more ‘worthy’ of the parents' love and admiration, whereas the child who ‘loses’ is discouraged.
Eventually, this begins to play out in their relationship with their siblings and their parents. Stay away from any competition-type situations which create ‘winners’ and ‘losers’, and instead look for ways to build cooperation and teamwork (or pitch the kids against the adults to give them a sense of comradery).
4. ASSESS THE CONFLICT BEFORE JUMPING IN
If it’s mild to moderate conflict, give kids the chance to sort it out themselves while you watch from the sidelines without becoming involved. Often, they can figure it out themselves – especially if they know that you are staying out of it.
This doesn’t mean walking away if the conflict is escalating to a physical fight. Our role as parents is to ensure safety, so be present and step in if it starts getting out of hand.
5. REMEMBER, EVERYONE HAS A ROLE IN CONFLICT
When your children are involved in conflict, it’s easy for us to step in and play the judge, but it’s impossible for us to know the full story. We may *think* we know who started it, but we have no idea of what has gone on before the incident. When we start blaming one child, we are aligning ourselves against that child and siding with the other... and you can see where this is going.
One child will always leave that situation feeling discouraged and more likely to act out and increase the conflict in the future. When we do step in and help with conflict resolution, we are required to stay neutral without taking sides (no matter HOW much we want to). When we are able to do this and use conflict resolution strategies instead, both your kids will leave the conflict feeling respected, heard, accepted, and encouraged.
"Where did we ever get the crazy idea that to make children do better, first we have to make them feel worse? Think of the last time you felt humiliated or treated unfairly. Did you feel like cooperating or doing better?
Children DO better when they FEEL better."
- Jane Nelsen